I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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