Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
