The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
