so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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