Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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