you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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