Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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