I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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