Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
