Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Sacagawea was the original milf.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
