I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
