you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
