glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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