if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
