so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
