Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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