Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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