So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
