So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
