I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
pray to the hookup gods
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
