I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
