I just threw up on my dentist
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
