i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
