i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
