a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
