you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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