I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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