Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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