just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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