Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
