I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
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I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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