Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I didn't notice because vodka
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
