This girl is more easily done than said...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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