I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
