How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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