I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
