if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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