Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
