so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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