She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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