Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
