Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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