So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
