Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
