Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
