I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
