I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
