My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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