my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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