What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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