Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
