mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
