it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
