We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
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we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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