Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
